Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
