Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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