Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Randomize
