Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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