there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
