apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
