im drinking this country out of the recession.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
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