I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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