If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
so let's talk penis.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
