Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
