Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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