If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I looked at my own cervix.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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