ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
