i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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