im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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