I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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