he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
He had one of those small greek statue penises
why do cheetos always look like penises
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
