mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Come on in and take your pants off
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