She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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