Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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