Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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