I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize