A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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