saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
