Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
