can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize