why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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