Screwed.edu
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
