The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Me too!
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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