Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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