I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
