I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
