its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
