He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
