it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
