Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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