I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Randomize
