sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
