he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
