Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
someone owes me an orgasm
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Even my vagina gasped.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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