just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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