we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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