Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
