I looked at my own cervix.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
