Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Randomize
