So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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