whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
