We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
