The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
