I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
