you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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