hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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