Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
