Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
