and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
